Training at Dagobah

A little something I wrote back in the early 2000s - I re-wrote the lyrics to "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads. My lyrics are "Empire Strikes Back"-centric, because 'days go by' can be mangled to sound like Dagobah.
****************************
And you may find yourself living on a Secret Rebel Base
And you may find yourself on an ice planet called Hoth
And you may find yourself behind the controls of a large X-Wing Fighter
And you may find yourself fighting a beautiful AT-AT, with a beautiful princess
And you may ask yourself – Well, how did I get here?
Training at Dagobah / The swamp water's got me down
Training at Dagobah / Force is flowing all around
Jedi will rule again / After the Empire's gone
Chance of a lifetime / Force is flowing all around.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work the Force?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large X-Wing Fighter?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful lightsaber!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful R2 unit!
Training at Dagobah / The swamp water's got me down
Training at Dagobah / Force is flowing all around
Jedi will rule again / After the Empire's gone
Chance of a lifetime / Force is flowing all around.
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Patience dissolving... and R2 is rusting
There is a ship at the bottom of the swamp
Use the Force, Do not try, lift the ship from the bottom
Remove the ship from the bottom of the swamp!
Training at Dagobah / The swamp water's got me down
Training at Dagobah / Force is flowing all around
Jedi will rule again / Banish thoughts of Vader
Lift those rocks and stones / The Force is all around.
Training at Dagobah / The swamp water's got me down
Training at Dagobah / Force is flowing all around
Jedi will rule again / After the Empire's gone
Chance of a lifetime / Force is flowing all around.
And you may ask yourself
Where is that beautiful princess?
And you may ask yourself
Where does the Dark Side lead?
And you may ask yourself
Is Yoda right? Is there another?
And you may say to yourself
MY GOD! Is Vader my FATHER?
Training at Dagobah / The swamp water's got me down
Training at Dagobah / Force is flowing all around
Jedi will rule again / Banish thoughts of Vader
Lift those rocks and stones / The Force is all around.
Training at Dagobah / The swamp water's got me down
Training at Dagobah / Force is flowing all around
Jedi will rule again / After the Empire's gone
Chance of a lifetime / Force is flowing all around.
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

On the severe delays of Christmas cards...

"Run!" shouted the Doctor, dashing out the door.

I grabbed a blanket and ran, the TARDIS still wooshing and materialising behind us.

The postman leaned over the red cylindrical post box, shift eyes casting nervously around. A ticking filled the air. He unlocked the box and BOOM! The little door flew open in an explosion of red and white! The vortex of TARDIS wind sent hundreds of envelopes swirling like giant snowflakes in a blizzard! The man, overwhelmed, flailed in the maelstrom, beating off excitable Christmas cards.

The Doctor dashed towards the box, gesturing to the man, and simultaneously pointing his sonic screwdriver at the post box with a flashing whirring whine.

I ran to the postman, throwing a blanket over us both for protection.

A loud CRACK filled the air. In the darkness, the cards settled softly, heavy on top of the blanket.

We peeked out from under the blanket. Snow drifts of envelopes littered the pavement. The Doctor stood smugly triumphant, reading measurements on his screwdriver, a couple tiny envelopes still clinging to his jacket. He brushed them off absently as he switched off the sonic device.

"The glue of a thousand Christmas cards was being absorbed to fuel a thermonano device which would have wiped out all the fairy lights in North London. I've neutralised the device, reglued the envelopes and reassured all of the fairies."

The postman looked around with despair. "How will I get these delivered on time?!"

The Doctor lifts an empty mail bag with a grin and starts stuffing envelopes inside.

--

From the door of the TARDIS, the Doctor and I wave to the postman and a handful of glowing fairies. They drive away with full mail bags. The Doctor closes the Policebox door and the TARDIS flashes, whooshes, and dematerialises in the winter afternoon sun.

Unnoticed, a lone envelope flutters underneath a car in the TARDIS's breeze.

And that is why your card is late.

(PS I suspect it was the Silurians, determined to destroy a beloved human celebration.)